4th
Hallelujah Church.
Home of
the 5% Tithe Rebate!!
Come one come all. The bigger the tithe the bigger
the rebate! It's in the Bible though we can't tell you exactly where.
Sundays 11am. Be there and give to get yours!
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Talk
'Christian'
only 2.95 a minute!
Pastors, ladies with buns, prune faces, liberals, bikers,
Sunday School teachers, King James Christians, NIV Christians, Living
Bible Christians. Catholics welcome. No gay, Episcopalian Bishops,
however. No subject taboo. And use of the word 'ecumenical' is encouraged.
More info - 900-555-3945.
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For
Sale
Old Bible with all the notes. Save time and trouble. A
little old and tattered but a classic. Extra spiritual truths in the
margins included at no cost. First $500 takes it. 555-2283.
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Was
Elvis Really A Christian?
Get the real story. Huge 3-page fact book. Years of research. Includes
the famous "Elvis Brings in the Sheaves" story. Only $19.95.
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Radical
Sunday School Lessons!
Banned in at least 6 churches around the world. These are
lessons that kids can actually understand and apply to their young
lives. Age 2 through 95. Call Former Pastor Ed, 555-1298. Or find
him in the Safeway parking lot on Tuesday afternoons.
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Woman
Seeking Man.
Neat Christian Guy to do some neat Christian things with me. New Testament
woman in an Old Testement body. Call Rosie. 555-4444.
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Dead
Sea Church Bulletins Found! Exclusive
story! Goes back to the 2nd century BC and ends up in 1979 when the
Dead Sea Bulletins were discovered behind the Arco station
in Tel Aviv. They will change your life, and change the way you read
church bulletins. Send $14.95 to PO Box A. You'll be glad you did!
WANTED:FREELANCE
PREACHERS!
If you can get people all riled up and jumping up and down and laughing
and making animal sounds, you're our man. (Sorry, no women freelancers
allowed). Call Elder Ed or Brother Bo at 555-5512. Salary depends
on how loud you can yell. Starts at $200 a month plus a room in Elder
Ed's sheep barn.
Holy
Water
2 oz. bottles $50 each. 10 Gallon containers, $500 each.
Guaranteed to be pretty holy. Call Habibe, 011-356-555-4445.
Lost:
My soul. Has anyone seen it? Call Don if you find it. I'm
in the book.
"I
had the gift of healing for a day, and I blew it."
New story
of one of Oral's 'Healing 101' students. The tragedy is only now just
beginning. To order just send us your phone number and social security
number.We already have your name, address, and credit card number.
Great gift!
NEW!
X RAY GLASSES! DETECTS NON-CHRISTIANS!
These glasses look ordinary except for a big X on the lens.
By wearing these special glasses you'll be able to tell instantly
if someone is really saved or not. Similar to night vision glasses
only different. At your local Christian book store behind the counter.
But don't go looking around the store to see if any non-Christians
are hanging out in the Neat Christian Sex section. It's bad form.
Little
Known
Yeast Facts.
All I can tell you here is that it's related to "When The Roll
Is Called Up Yonder". Call Betty C. at 1-300-555-2039.
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Ushers
and The Women Who Love Them!
NOW IN PAPERBACK. Banned in many Christian book stores
as being a bit too steamy for even behind the counter, but available
at large sinner book stores.You won't believe what happened in the
little back room where ushers keep the hymnals. Shocking. Only $8.50.
THE
NEW 'BAPTO' AUTOMATIC BAPTIZER!
It dunks, it sprinkles, it splashes. Cold or hot,ready
or not. It's fast,amazing, and pretty cheap too. Just add water. Real
nice holy baptismal robe included. (Used)(maroon). Call 1-555-BAPTO.
Go
around the workshop singing "The
Handyman Can..."all
day long and really mean it! Bob V's Christian Songbook For The
Christian Woodworker and Home Construction Guy. Available at
finer hardware stores everywhere.
Handbook
of Ushering!
Updated just a few years ago! Find out how to handle
4 or 5 rows at a time. Learn the best way to get kids to sit down
and shut up. Discover how to 'save that special seat' for the people
who slip you a twenty.Discover your true ushering potential. $29.95
postage paid. Call 1-800-555-9031
Windmills
and Bible Prophecy!
As seen on The Gary Stinger Show. Amazing facts that'll
muss your hair and put your undies in a bind. Get the video at your
local Christian book store.
Hand
Raisers Wanted!
Those of you 18 to 46 who raise your hands in church, we
want YOU! We're doing a study on whether people who raise their hands
in church live longer,make more money, and like spinach. $10 per meeting.If
you start speaking in tongues, the deal's off. Call Trisha at 555-3392
The
Elvis Diaries!
Newly
discovered, pretty much genuine article. At least that's what the
guy told us when we bought it. Wait till you read page 153. It starts
out "Today, I'm so lonely, I could cry." You'll cry too
as you twist and turn with the King during each day of his life. $400
and that's a steal for this priceless treasure. Send a very large
SASE to King's Keepers, Box AA, Puerto Rico. Offer void in Bothell.
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Jesus
As An Mexican Guy!
Newly discovered young artist paints Jesus in every ethnic background.
Jewish,Japanese, Hawaiian,Mexican, Italian,Swedish, African, Eskimo
and others. Get Jesus' picture to fit your own culture. Jesus isn't
just a white blonde guy anymore. Call Harlon at 555-3948.
MAN
SEEKING WOMAN
Christian, white, divorced,nonsmoking (used to of course) no-personality
male with cats. Seeking white,Christian,divorced or single,nonsmoking,
non- drinking, non-cussing no-personality female. For a whole lot
of fine Christian loving. Call Del, weekends only.
ELECTRIC
SHOCK COLLARS FOR SONG LEADERS!
You
know the kind of leader I'm talking about. The one who insists we
stand and sing all 18 verses of EVERY hymn in the book. These are
the type of song leaders who think it's fun to make everyone turn
and say "howdy neighbor" to the perfect stranger next
to them. NO MORE! With this new song-leader-shock-collar, the minute
he gets out of line you ZAP him one. He'll learn that just because
there are 18 verses, God never intended for us to sing them all
at one time. At your local church supply store behind the counter.
If
the King James Version ...Was
good enough
for John The Baptist, it's good enough for me. Thank you St. Clarence.
Send
in your $100 now!
Don't wait until it's too late. Cash only,please. Send
immediately to Chad, Box B, Germond, Switzerland.
Doctors
Who Smoke!!!!
Get the
real story! You won't believe your eyes. Puffin' In Surgery, Tokin'
In The X-ray Room, Butts In the Sample Drawer ---UNBELIEVABLE
STUFF! Just send in 10 empty Marlboro boxes with your store receipt.
Or $129, whichever you prefer.
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