4th
Hallelujah Church.
Home
of the 5% Tithe Rebate!!
Come
one come all. The bigger the tithe the bigger the rebate! It's in
the Bible though we can't tell you exactly where. Sundays 11am. Be
there and give to get yours!
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Talk
'Christian'
only 2.95
a minute!
Pastors,
ladies with buns, prune faces, liberals, bikers, Sunday School teachers,
King James Christians, NIV Christians, Living Bible Christians. Catholics
welcome. No gay, Episcopalian Bishops, however. No subject taboo.
And use of the word 'ecumenical' is encouraged. More info - 900-555-3945.
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For
Sale
Old Bible with all the notes. Save time
and trouble. A little old and tattered but a classic. Extra spiritual
truths in the margins included at no cost. First $500 takes it. 555-2283.
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Was
Elvis Really A Christian?
Get the real story. Huge 3-page fact book. Years of
research. Includes the famous "Elvis Brings in the Sheaves"
story. Only $19.95.
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Radical
Sunday School Lessons!
Banned in at least 6 churches around the
world. These are lessons that kids can actually understand and apply
to their young lives. Age 2 through 95. Call Former Pastor Ed, 555-1298.
Or find him in the Safeway parking lot on Tuesday afternoons.
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Woman
Seeking Man.
Neat Christian Guy to do some neat Christian things
with me. New Testament woman in an Old Testement body. Call Rosie.
555-4444.
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Dead
Sea Church Bulletins Found! Exclusive story!
Goes back to the 2nd century BC and ends up in 1979 when the Dead
Sea Bulletins were discovered behind the Arco station in Tel Aviv.
They will change your life, and change the way you read church bulletins.
Send $14.95 to PO Box A. You'll be glad you did!
WANTED:FREELANCE
PREACHERS!
If you can get people all riled up and jumping up and
down and laughing and making animal sounds, you're our man. (Sorry,
no women freelancers allowed). Call Elder Ed or Brother Bo at 555-5512.
Salary depends on how loud you can yell. Starts at $200 a month plus
a room in Elder Ed's sheep barn.
Holy
Water
2
oz. bottles $50 each. 10 Gallon containers, $500 each. Guaranteed
to be pretty holy. Call Habibe, 011-356-555-4445.
Lost:
My
soul. Has anyone seen it? Call Don if you find it. I'm in the book.
"I
had the gift of healing for a day, and I blew it."
New
story of one of Oral's 'Healing 101' students. The tragedy is only
now just beginning. To order just send us your phone number and social
security number.We already have your name, address, and credit card
number. Great gift!
NEW!
X RAY GLASSES! DETECTS NON-CHRISTIANS!
These glasses look ordinary except for a big X on
the lens. By wearing these special glasses you'll be able to tell
instantly if someone is really saved or not. Similar to night vision
glasses only different. At your local Christian book store behind
the counter. But don't go looking around the store to see if any non-Christians
are hanging out in the Neat Christian Sex section. It's bad form.
Little
Known
Yeast Facts.
All I can
tell you here is that it's related to "When The Roll Is Called
Up Yonder". Call Betty C. at 1-300-555-2039.
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Ushers
and The Women Who Love Them!
NOW IN PAPERBACK. Banned in many Christian
book stores as being a bit too steamy for even behind the counter,
but available at large sinner book stores.You won't believe what happened
in the little back room where ushers keep the hymnals. Shocking. Only
$8.50.
THE
NEW 'BAPTO' AUTOMATIC
BAPTIZER!
It
dunks, it sprinkles, it splashes. Cold or hot,ready or not. It's fast,amazing,
and pretty cheap too. Just add water. Real nice holy baptismal robe
included. (Used)(maroon). Call 1-555-BAPTO.
Go
around the workshop singing "The
Handyman Can..."all
day long and really mean it! Bob V's Christian Songbook For The
Christian Woodworker and Home Construction Guy. Available at
finer hardware stores everywhere.
Handbook
of Ushering!
Updated
just a few years ago! Find out how to handle 4 or 5 rows at a time.
Learn the best way to get kids to sit down and shut up. Discover
how to 'save that special seat' for the people who slip you a twenty.Discover
your true ushering potential. $29.95 postage paid. Call 1-800-555-9031
Windmills
and Bible Prophecy!
As
seen on The Gary Stinger Show. Amazing facts that'll muss your hair
and put your undies in a bind. Get the video at your local Christian
book store.
Hand
Raisers Wanted!
Those
of you 18 to 46 who raise your hands in church, we want YOU! We're
doing a study on whether people who raise their hands in church live
longer,make more money, and like spinach. $10 per meeting.If you start
speaking in tongues, the deal's off. Call Trisha at 555-3392
The
Elvis Diaries!
Newly
discovered, pretty much genuine article. At least that's what the
guy told us when we bought it. Wait till you read page 153. It starts
out "Today, I'm so lonely, I could cry." You'll cry too
as you twist and turn with the King during each day of his life. $400
and that's a steal for this priceless treasure. Send a very large
SASE to King's Keepers, Box AA, Puerto Rico. Offer void in Bothell.
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Jesus
As An Mexican Guy!
Newly discovered young artist paints Jesus in every
ethnic background. Jewish,Japanese, Hawaiian,Mexican, Italian,Swedish,
African, Eskimo and others. Get Jesus' picture to fit your own culture.
Jesus isn't just a white blonde guy anymore. Call Harlon at 555-3948.
MAN
SEEKING WOMAN
Christian, white, divorced,nonsmoking (used to of course)
no-personality male with cats. Seeking white,Christian,divorced
or single,nonsmoking, non- drinking, non-cussing no-personality female.
For a whole lot of fine Christian loving. Call Del, weekends only.
ELECTRIC
SHOCK COLLARS FOR SONG LEADERS!
You
know the kind of leader I'm talking about. The one who insists we
stand and sing all 18 verses of EVERY hymn in the book. These are
the type of song leaders who think it's fun to make everyone turn
and say "howdy neighbor" to the perfect stranger next
to them. NO MORE! With this new song-leader-shock-collar, the minute
he gets out of line you ZAP him one. He'll learn that just because
there are 18 verses, God never intended for us to sing them all
at one time. At your local church supply store behind the counter.
If
the King James Version ...Was
good enough
for John The Baptist, it's good enough for me. Thank you St. Clarence.
Send
in your $100 now!
Don't
wait until it's too late. Cash only,please. Send immediately to Chad,
Box B, Germond, Switzerland.
Doctors
Who Smoke!!!!
Get
the real story! You won't believe your eyes. Puffin' In Surgery,
Tokin' In The X-ray Room, Butts In the Sample Drawer ---UNBELIEVABLE
STUFF! Just send in 10 empty Marlboro boxes with your store receipt.
Or $129, whichever you prefer.
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