Church Seating

Have you ever wondered where you should sit in church?

Ever wonder how new people make the mistake of sitting next to Mrs.. McGillicuty when no one in the church would.

Ever wonder where to sit to get the best view, the best sound, the best comfort, and the best escape route if it gets to 'hot' in there, if you know what I mean.

Well we were in Eastern Washington the other day, and discovered behind an old bush this crumpled up paper. I was astounded to find out that it contained the ordained-by-God seating order for churches. I didn't think I should keep this to myself, so wanted to share with you. I think you'll feel better once you know where to sit.

A: Assistant pastors, elders, deacons, janitors should sit here.

B: People who need the pastor to notice them sit here. Also the hard of hearing.

C: Visitors who don't know any better, and secret church security in the audience sit here.

D: People who wear nice clothes, women who think makeup and Christianity go hand in hand should sit here. (men who think makeup and Christianity go hand in hand should be sitting in M.)

E. The owners box - rich people and those who want to appear rich should sit here.

F. Argyle row. Wannabee rich people - stooges of those in row E.

G. Now we're starting to get into some normal people - plus old Uncle Ed.

H. The most regular people in the room. Warm, friendly, apt to invite you over for roast beef.

I. Farmers and and Democrats sit here.

J. Visitors who are 'just looking' sit here, along with the teenage kids who have to be in church.

K. More regular people, with a few clappers and hand raisers thrown in for good measure.

L. Parents who think they'll get called to the nursery or 4th grade room during the service sit here. Also old ladies with buns who notice if certain people aren't in church.

M. Visitors, and husbands of those in row H.

N. Those with low esteem sit here, along with those who buy lottery tickets, or those who have actually BEEN to Vegas.

O. People who need to get out quick or duck out early for the game sit here. Also the lady who answers the church phone.